If ever you’ve felt a twinge (or a truckload) of working parent guilt, this one’s for you.
Lauren Gordon, both a Mindful Return alum and a long-time coach within both our program for new moms and our 201-level program for “experienced parents”, is perhaps the wisest person I know on the topic of working parent guilt. And, more specifically – and more importantly – how to eradicate it.
Today, I’m excited to share with you not only Lauren’s wisdom – i.e. 3 concrete and very specific steps you can take to eliminate these guilty feelings – but also the (new!) opportunity to work with her directly. Lauren (pictured here with her family) is a mom of 3. She spent close to 2 decades in the corporate world, and she lives deeply the experiences she teaches.
I am so proud to be announcing a formal partnership with Lauren to offer 1:1 coaching to the Mindful Return working parent community. At the end of today’s post, you can find details about how to get a spot on her (rapidly-filling) coaching calendar. Here’s Lauren!
***********************************
There was once a time in my life when I believed that feeling guilty as a working parent was simply a rite of passage. At the time, I didn’t know that it was possible to have a career and a family without also feeling the heaviness of guilt. So I went through my days feeling weighed down.
When I was at work, I often felt guilty for not spending more time at home with my husband and my children.
When I was at home, I often felt guilty for not spending more time working with my boss, colleagues, and clients.
And when I was out with friends or doing something for myself (which was a rare instance during that season of life), I often felt guilty for not spending the time with my family or getting caught up on work.
I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. And I felt awful.
At the time, the feelings of guilt seemed unavoidable. Automatic. And to some extent, necessary. Without realizing it, I was allowing my brain to mistakenly think that every time I made a decision about how to spend my time, it meant that I was making the wrong decision.
It’s no wonder I felt so guilty!
Now I’m on the other side of those thoughts and feelings. I’m living my life as a guilt-free working mom, and I can so clearly see what exactly was behind my own guilt. Based on the number of clients I have coached to overcome feelings of working parent guilt, I also know firsthand how prevalent these feelings are across working moms and working dads alike.
As a certified coach, I partner with my working parent clients to identify what exact thoughts are at the root of their guilt. Your thoughts are likely different from mine and different from the clients I coached yesterday.
But here’s one thing that we all have in common: Your thoughts cause your feelings. And you (and only you) are in complete control of what you choose to think and believe about yourself and your decisions for how you spend your time. In other words, you are in complete control of creating – and, more importantly, ending – your working parent guilt, based on how you choose to think about your life.
For those of you who have coached with me inside of our Mindful Return courses or on our course alumni group calls, you’ve likely heard me introduce the concept that our brain offers us thousands of sentences (or thoughts) every single day. It doesn’t mean you have to believe all of those sentences, though. Sometimes, our brilliant and amazing brain accidentally offers us incorrect or inaccurate thoughts. It’s our job to correct or redirect our thinking toward more useful and more accurate thoughts instead.
3 Steps to Ending That Working Parent Guilt
No matter what sentences your brain is currently offering you about your effectiveness (or ineffectiveness) at home or at work, I want to share three steps you can begin applying right now to move closer to ending your working parent guilt for good.
1. Raise awareness of your inner dialogue. Our thoughts cause our feelings. It’s impossible to change how we feel, if we don’t first pay attention to what we are thinking.
To uncover your current thoughts, I encourage you to ask yourself good questions and write down your answers. Grab a piece of paper. At the top, write: “Why am I feeling guilty?” Set a timer for three minutes. Then begin writing.
If your answers stall, ask yourself, “Why else?” or “What’s another reason?” or “What do I think I should be doing instead, to feel less guilty?” When the timer goes off, take a slow breath in and out. Then take a look at your paper. The words sitting in front of you are the cause of your guilt. Those same words also hold the key to ending it.
2. Separate yourself from your thoughts on the paper. The act of writing your thoughts on paper may have felt cathartic or challenging. You may feel enlightened. Or you may have struggled to identify the thoughts behind your guilt. You may have even felt your guilt come on even stronger with each word you wrote.
All of this is normal. This exercise opens you up to vulnerability, because you are revealing your inner dialogue. For this reason, I always encourage my clients to practice self-compassion and self-kindness throughout.
Your worthiness as a parent and a professional and a human is not defined by the words you wrote on that paper. You, just like your children, are born worthy of a life of greatness and happiness and love. If you don’t currently feel fully happy or confident, that’s okay. It just may mean that your brain is more loudly offering you unhelpful thoughts. This means it’s time for us to turn the volume down on those thoughts, and to turn the volume up on our more useful thinking.
The beauty of having your thoughts on paper is that you can physically create distance between you and those thoughts. Move the piece of paper back on your desk a few inches. Remind yourself that the words on that paper are only words, and those words are simply sentences that your brain is offering to you. Those words are not the truth.
3. Decide what is true for you. Just because your brain currently thinks that you work “too much” or you don’t spend “enough” time at home with your children or you don’t “deserve” to take time for yourself, I want you to remind yourself that you (and only you) get to decide what you want to believe about how you choose to spend your time.
You get to define what being a “good” parent and a “good” employee entails. And you get to evolve the expectations you set for yourself and the boundaries you establish until you create a life that you feel great about. What incredible power you hold!
Begin asking yourself questions like: How much time do I want to spend working each day/week? How much time do I want to spend with my family? On myself? Why do these time allotments feel good to me? (If they don’t, make edits!) Why do I love my decision to work? Why do I love spending quality time with my family? Taking time for myself? How do each of these decisions help my family and myself?
There are no right or wrong answers to this exercise. There are only answers that you decide are right for you. For example, the next time your brain offers you the thought that you “should” be spending more time at work, you can remind yourself why you made the decision to spend quality time with your family. And why you like your reasons for making that decision. Each decision in life offers us the opportunity to remind and redirect our brain to think useful thoughts. Our feelings and actions will follow suit.
After I went through my own personal transformation to become a guilt-free and stress-free working mom, I opened my coaching practice to teach these tools to as many fellow working parents as I could. I never wanted anyone else to suffer the way I did. Especially not at the expense of their happiness, their quality time with their family, and their fulfillment in their career.
This work takes time and practice, yes. Especially if you’ve been thinking thoughts that make you feel guilty for months, years, or even decades. But, no matter how deep your guilt is, it’s never too late to start rewriting the narrative.
You deserve to fully enjoy your life as a working parent, and you deserve to feel guilt-free at home and at work. You hold the power to create the life you want. And I’d love to see you put that power to use today.
1:1 Coaching Now Available Through Mindful Return
If you’d like a coach by your side as you begin the work to create a life that you love as a working parent, I would love to help you do that.
1:1 Mindful Return Coaching with me:
- Provides you with a safe, private, and customized space to work through personal and professional challenges with a certified coach;
- Provides on-going accountability through 3, 6, or 12 sessions to aid in continued progress. Working parents set at least one action or commitment at the end of each coaching session and may (if they choose) complete a brief homework assignment to aid in forward momentum. Progress is celebrated. Any obstacles that may have arisen between sessions are discussed, with problem-solving to strategize the best way to overcome them.
- Can be paid for either by an individual or by an employer.
- Can focus on topics including: navigating the emotions of guilt and overwhelm, both personally and professionally; work-life balance / integration strategy; managing time; increasing productivity at work and at home; improving communication with leaders, colleagues, and clients in the workplace; improvements in divisions of household labor, increasing self-confidence, and making career decisions.
“After working with Lauren, I’ve gone from depleted to empowered. At home, I’m able to play, cuddle, teach, and LOVE my children wholeheartedly. At work, I have a clear mind, creative ideas, and a surprising level of motivation (considering three months of sleep deprivation!). I’ve found space in my life for everything that is important to me. Even on the rough days, I can rely on solid techniques to bring me back to my best, wholehearted self.”
– L. K. Neeley, mom of two boys
I am more than happy to do a 30-minute discovery call to determine if a coaching relationship is going to be a good fit for us. To reserve your spot and to learn more, please e-mail me at lauren@mindfulreturn.com.
Lauren Gordon is a dual-certified life and career coach for working parents, a former senior leader in Human Resources at one of the world’s largest financial services companies, and a Mindful Return alum and course coach. She resides in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband and three young daughters.
Want more practical tips on working parenthood? Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave
