I’m sure by now, you’ve heard the phrase “bringing your whole self to work.”  More and more workplaces appear to be talking about this concept, particularly since the pandemic.  But the idea isn’t a binary one.  It’s not as though you come to work and decide between choices (A) and (B): (A) “I’m not going to share anything about myself whatsoever to anyone in this office,” or (B) “I’m going to share every last detail of my personal life with everyone I meet in this workplace.”  The decision of what to share and with whom is so much more nuanced.

What, if anything, do I share about my views on the recent election?  And with whom?  If someone in my family is struggling and it’s affecting my work, do I share that?  How close do I want to feel with my colleagues?  How close do they want to feel to me?

I recently got this question from a Mindful Return alum, that speaks to the dilemmas about how to decide what to share, and with whom.

Question from a Working Mom:

I’d love to know more about how you think about deciding what information to share.  What do you think about when you write a blog post, or meet with a client, or talk to a group of Mindful Return alumni?

First, a compliment. You do such a beautiful job of navigating what to share, with whom, and in how much detail. Maybe this comes naturally.  Though I suspect as with most things you do, it is a thoughtful approach and one that may hold ideas for others of us who face this question.

Particularly in a work setting, I have had colleagues – especially supervisors – share about their personal lives with daily frequency.  Often, they provide so many details, with no room for supervisees to offer what’s going on in their lives. This is never the case with you. 

Whenever you share what’s going on, whether it’s 1:1, on alumni calls, or at retreats – you always have a way of doing so in a way that feels correctly proportioned to the setting or audience. And you share in a way that serves as an invitation to others to be vulnerable and share and hold the truths together. 

This is so beautiful and so needed – especially as more and more people (including working parents!) are being told it’s OK to be their full, authentic selves at work. I fully believe in “leaving loudly” as a manager. I also always told my team if kids were sick or there was something going on with me. It’s such a fine line though, and I was always mindful not to dump on my team. Especially as I experienced the toxic other side of this.  Thank you for your thoughts.

My Thoughts on Bringing Your “Whole Self” to Work

I’m so grateful for this thoughtful question.  And particularly this working parent’s willingness to share her own experiences of the workplace tensions and role of managers in setting a tone.

First, I’m all for the idea that it is possible to create workplaces where we show up authentically.  Hiding and masking our true selves takes effort and energy.  I recognize, however, that this goal of bringing our “whole selves” to work every day is, in many places, aspirational.  Not all workplaces are psychologically safe for everyone in equal measure, despite what the organization’s leadership may proclaim.  And there are still work goals to be met.  Workplaces can also be wonderful places for creating deep and meaningful friendships.  But just as we shouldn’t rely on our partner to meet all of our needs in a relationship, we also shouldn’t rely on our workplaces to meet all of our friendship and emotional support needs.

Second, I do believe that there is a continuum – and a middle ground to be found – between oversharing and undersharing.  Getting too vulnerable too quickly isn’t healthy and doesn’t promote trust.  But on the other hand, it’s not possible to form meaningful relationships if you don’t share anything.  As Nedra Tawab says in her amazing book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace:  A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, “rigid boundaries involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe.  But staying safe by locking yourself in is unhealthy and leads to a whole other set of problems.  Whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance.”  If we keep ourselves too much at a distance, we lose out on the beautiful connections we might build, in a supportive work environment.

Third, I believe it’s possible to create a spirit of bringing your whole self to work, without sharing every last detail.  Some information is meant to be kept private, both for the party involved, and also so that the person with whom you are sharing isn’t asked to hold information they’d feel uncomfortable knowing.

Finally, I think it’s important to reflect on your own “why” in deciding what to share.  What core value are you promoting by letting the person or group you’re speaking with know specific details of what’s going on for you?  What are your reasons for sharing?  And do you like those reasons?

A Few Examples from My Own Life

As most of you know, I have two different work hats: (1) Mindful Return; and (2) my legal practice.  “Bringing my whole self” to work and deciding what to share has, necessarily, meant different things in each context.  Here are a few decisions I’ve made over the years.  And they are things I continue to grapple with on a daily basis:

• When I worked as a Partner at a law firm, I often intentionally shared some of the details of my family life with my colleagues. The joys of kid milestones.  My own exhaustion after a night of no sleep.  The reason I was leaving when I had to take a baby to the doctor.  Or why I was working remotely.  The personal value I was living out in choosing to share in these instances was to normalize the idea that people can be kick-ass lawyers and also have families and lives outside of work.  I also invited my colleagues to share what was going on in their lives.
• In my legal work, I tend to have a different level of sharing with my clients. At times, I may simply offer that I “am not available” or “need to reschedule” without providing too much context.  Or I may say “I have a family emergency that’s come up.”  Or when I talk to them, I might allude to its “being a rough week.”  My value in that situation is to share that I am human – and invite them to be human in return – but to put the emphasis on the fact that I am a competent and clear-headed lawyer who is responding to their needs.  There are, however, some clients with whom I’ve grown closer over the years, and with whom I will share more details, because we have earned one another’s trust.
• In Mindful Return land, I’ve found that the challenge of knowing how much to share has grown more complicated as my kids have gotten older. They now have real lives and personalities and expectations of privacy.  AND I continue to have a deep core value around connection.  This includes both helping other parents not feel alone in their struggles, and helping myself not feel alone in mine.  While I may share on the Mindful Return blog that “we’re having a tough mental health year,” I will share a few more details when I’m face-to-face with our community in a retreat or on an alumni walk.  And with my closest friends, who I know will maintain my privacy, I share all of the details.
• The following guides my Mindful Return sharing choices: I want the broader Mindful Return community to know that it’s okay to have messy days and months and years. It’s okay to have strong and varied emotions.  And that I’m walking this path alongside you.  In contrast, I want the participants in a Mindful Return alumni call or retreat or walk to feel like they can bring a good amount of detail around what’s happening for them into our spaces.  Why?  Because then we can support, validate, and problem solve together, in a way that is harder to do with only generic, broad brushstrokes.
• Finally, I think about myself and my own needs in the process of deciding what to share. And this is really important.  If I’m having a feeling of “oh my gosh, if I start sharing right now with my team member I may be consumed with grief or overwhelm, and I’d really like to just focus on work outcomes right now,” then I don’t share.  I really value caring for my own mental health, and how I’m caring for myself is an important factor in my decision-making process.

The short story, I think, is that it pays to be mindful, reflective, and intentional about what you are sharing and with whom.  You don’t need to write down a calculation and analysis.  But at least give some thought to what you are sharing and why.  What are your own thoughts and stories on the topic of bringing your “whole self” to work?  What resonates for you from these musings?  I’d love to hear your thoughts in comments below!

 

Want more practical tips on working parenthood?  Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave