Subtract. What feeling does that word conjure up for you? To me, it feels negative. (Pun intended.) “Mary had 4 apples, and John ate 2 of them. Now the kids only have 2 apples.” Oh dear! Our earliest math problems invoke a spirit of shortage, don’t they? Of not enough. Help: we’re running out of apples!
Over the holidays, as I was thinking about 2025, fresh calendar pages, goals, and such, I wanted to share an interesting insight I picked up while listening to this episode of the Psychologists Off the Clock Podcast: 386. Parents are Stressed: What Do We Do About It?
This excellent episode covers the Surgeon General’s Parental Stress Advisory that came out a few months ago. It also features special guest Yael Schonbrun, author of a book I love called Work Parent Thrive. In the context of this conversation, I learned about the fact that our brains have been wired, evolutionarily, to add things rather than subtract. When humans were hunters and gatherers, we needed more food, more shelter, more weapons…in order to survive. The answer to problems was to add more, not take things away. Now, that “more more more” isn’t serving us, but our brains haven’t been reprogrammed!
I don’t know about you, but it always helps me to know what my brain’s “default” setting is, so that I can ask whether I’m just falling into that default mode automatically, or if I need to take active steps to course correct. I’m aware, for example, of the human brain’s negativity bias. This helps me know why I might be inclined to focus or dwell on one tiny criticism, over tons of positive feedback. I’m now thinking more deeply about this bias we have toward addition over subtraction. I read a bit more about it in this article, and I find the author’s observations helpful:
“The researchers think there may be a self-reinforcing effect. ‘The more often people rely on additive strategies, the more cognitively accessible they become,” Adams said. ‘Over time, the habit of looking for additive ideas may get stronger and stronger, and in the long run, we end up missing out on many opportunities to improve the world by subtraction.'”
But What Exactly to Subtract?
As you may know from reading this blog, 2024 wasn’t my year. Our family had an inordinate amount of health challenges. Spending time these past few weeks putting together a monstrous tax spreadsheet of hundreds and hundreds of medical expenses and gazillions of medical-related miles driven, led me to see very concretely why I need to subtract from, not add to, my life this year.
It’s not clear, exactly, what should go, though. I’m a multi-passionate person. I’m curious, love exploring new things and new places, and have a hard time reining in that exuberance. But as I learned from Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism many years ago, scattered energy doesn’t serve us.
Looking at that medical spreadsheet, one of the first things that came to mind was the need to subtract some medical appointments and driving. My husband and I decided to consolidate some of the care our family is getting into fewer providers. We’ve made strategic subtraction decisions for good reasons that include our own sanity.
Subtracting “stuff” also seems like an obvious choice. I’m writing this while I’m away from home, but I’m feeling that winter cleaning urge to gather up and donate unused toys, books, and the like upon the return to my house.
I’ve also been experimenting with a third way of “subtracting,” which I learned from my friend and awesome leadership and accountability coach, Arielle Mir. I don’t believe I’ve shared this yet here, but I’m working on writing a memoir about family creation, and Arielle is helping me get out of my own way to be able to accomplish this goal of sharing my story. At the end of our sessions, she always asks me what I’m going to say no to, for me to say yes to the goal of working on the memoir. This past week, this act of “subtraction” has been about committing to myself to work on my book project first each day, before working on anything else. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. So when something has to fall off the to-do list at the end of the day, it’s not the book.
I’m sure I’ll think of many other examples of ways I can subtract as the weeks and months of 2025 roll along. Given what we know about our brain’s bias in favor of addition, the question I’m planning to ask myself frequently and in the face of any problem, is: What is one answer to this problem that may involve subtracting?
When one of my sons was in the hospital a few months ago and he complained of being bored, a nurse repeated over and over to him, “Just stop and rest. If you think you’re doing too much, you are.” I’m hoping that this 2025 word, “subtract,” will also help me remember when too much, is just too much.
Want more practical tips on working parenthood? Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave
