If you’ve ever wondered whether you are doing a “good enough” job at this parenthood thing, today’s post is for you. I’m delighted to have Susanne Seitinger back with us to share some helpful wisdom and perspective when it comes to judging ourselves in this most important role. It turns out, “good enough” equals great parenting. Susanne is a mama of twins, an alum of the Mindful Return maternity leave program, and the guest author of some other incredibly helpful Mindful Return guest posts, including When Dual Working Parent Schedules Collide: Coping with Murphy’s Law, and Surviving Your First Year with Twins: 10 Myths, Busted.
Welcome back, Susanne, and thank you for this reminder that not only is “good enough” good enough…it’s actually such an important teacher.
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There’s a well-known psychologist–D.W. Winnicott–who came up with the principle of the “good enough mother.” This concept isn’t always compatible with our overemphasis on making sure we deliver perfectly for our kids, though. Do we have enough after-school activities? Are we thinking ahead about what they’ll need? Are we making sure things will be seamless and smooth during the day? Did you remember to pack the rainboots and snowpants? When we mess up on these fronts, we sometimes feel guilty. Like we’ve failed our kids and potentially failed at parenting.
When it comes to challenging our kids with new experiences, this guilt trip becomes more insidious. Why? Because it can be triggering for our own insecurities. I realized this recently when I was out in the snow with my kids. For those of us in colder climates, this is the season of skiing, ice-skating, snowboarding, tubing, snowshoeing, and any number of other outdoor activities that require muscles we don’t typically hone throughout the year. As a weak skier myself, I feel a lot of pressure to give my kids the opportunity to learn how to feel comfortable on the slopes while they are young. I hope this will help them enjoy these sports and benefit from the outdoor time during the winter months. Little did I realize that this would also challenge me in new ways.
As we all know, kids can be relentless when they really want something. In this case, I asked the snowboarding teacher if my son was ready for the chair lift, and he said “absolutely not.” Then my son negotiated that if he could do a few linked turns on the small slope, I’d have to take him up the chair lift at least once. So, after my first 1-hour ski lesson after 30 years of not skiing, I agreed to the deal.
My son practiced and practiced, and we agreed to give it a shot on the chair lift. My goal was to pick the simplest downhill slope, of course. But I somehow ended up on the steepest one. My son was slipping and sliding and got really scared. Not super sturdy on my skis either, I started to get worried, too. Instead of focusing on the present moment, this fear triggered a bunch of things. “I should have listened to the expert, the teacher. I should not have agreed to my 7-year old’s deal. Now he’s going to get hurt, because of my carelessness.” You know the drill. These thoughts didn’t help the situation, and our mutual frustration escalated.
Then, a young volunteer member of the Ski Patrol showed up and asked if he could help us. Luckily, I said “yes” even though I was ashamed for potentially putting my son in a dangerous situation. The first step was to build up my son’s confidence. He asked him, “Hey, you’ve been down a few hills, right?” My son nodded. He continued, “So just keep going, and you’ll be fine.”
I was about to follow my son, when the volunteer said, “Hey mom, why don’t you hang back a bit.” I was still so worried that my son would hurt himself, which really wasn’t likely on this relatively empty stretch, that I hesitated. Then the Ski Patrol volunteer said something that surprised me: “You’re such a great mom for letting your son be up here and learn.” I was taken aback by how this teenager was able to boost my confidence, so I could boost my son’s. It wasn’t about being perfect up here with my son. Instead, it was about being good enough. And giving him the chance to learn. Duh.
We went on to ride the chair lift two more times. Once with the volunteer and once on our own. While these little accomplishments on the slopes were minimal (we have lots of practice ahead!), the psychological lessons were big. It’s all about being good enough in the moment and staying focused on what is really going on.
My son was so happy and proud. He left with a sense of accomplishment instead of failure, even though it was hard. If we’d gotten down the mountain on the first try, we would have missed out on the most important lesson of all. It’s not about perfection, but about your attitude and how (or that!) you show(ed) up. And luckily on the snowboarding front, my son agreed that more practice was what he needed. He says he’d be happy for me to come along again next weekend.
Note from Susanne: As I’ve looked into this more, I’ve learned that ski areas organize their Ski Patrols differently. Most have a mix of volunteers and full-time professionals of varying ages and skill levels, some of whom are members of the non-profit National Ski Patrol Association. With over 85 years of history, 600+ patrols, and over 30,000 members, the National Ski Patrol is one of the key organizations dedicated to protecting and serving our mountain communities. Due to my own ignorance before this incident, I’d never considered the broad range of activities the ski patrol engages in–from assisting with medical crises to helping moms on the slopes. I’m going to encourage my kids to consider volunteering with them when they are older, because there are some great life skills to be learned through this work.
Susanne Seitinger leads AI and ML Product Marketing at AWS, bringing cutting-edge tech like Amazon Bedrock to life. She’s worn many hats – from helping cities navigate COVID-19 at Verizon, to lighting up Boston’s Zakim Bridge while at Signify (formerly Philips Lighting). Susanne holds a BA from Princeton University (where she met Lori) as well as a Master’s in City Planning and a PhD from MIT. When she’s not working on AI or serving as a smart cities expert, you’ll find Susanne at home in Brookline, MA, where she keeps busy with her husband and twins.
Want more practical tips on working parenthood? Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave
