I’m having trouble finding any conversation in my Washington, DC, neighborhood right now, in which someone is not freaking out.  And for good reason.  Many of my friends, colleagues, neighbors, and acquaintances are Federal Government employees whose professions, careers, and passions are now being mocked and often axed by the new administration.  Stress levels are off the charts, and the unknown is so very daunting.

One of the moms at the retreat I led in Florida last week for working parents is one of these brilliant and dedicated Federal Government employees.  She was navigating being away from her little ones and trying to take space for calm, while her office and online chats were blowing up hundreds of miles away.

As we gathered on the beach last Friday, we held her in our circle of support and had a conversation that began with the following prompt: “What helps you most when you are in crisis and are freaking out? What do you turn to when everything is chaotic and the wheels seem to be coming off?”

My challenge to you this week, should you choose to accept it, is to (1) think of a few people whose advice and approach to life you tend to respect; and (2) call them and ask this same question about how they handle distress.  (If you have a therapist or coach, book an extra session with them now, too.)

Yes, I’m going to share below the advice we all came up with last week on the beach to help our beloved fellow mama.  But what is most powerful is often not the actual action or tip.  It’s the connection that’s taking place between you, the vulnerable one asking for help, and the person offering their support.  This reaching out and asking for help is a form of strength right now.  And helpful ideas and steadying wisdom really does come out of this type of exchange.

How Mindful Return Alums Handle Freaking Out: Our Best Attempt at Steadying Wisdom

On Friday night we went around our circle on the beach, and each person shared one or two ways they steady themselves.  Here is our collection of wisdom:

• Use the acronym “STOP” to calm your spiraling thoughts. In dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), this acronym reminds us to: (1) Stop what you are doing.  (2) Take a deep breath.  (3) Observe both your thoughts and also what is going on in your body.  And (4) Proceed mindfully with what you’re doing.
• Identify the best, the worst, and the most likely scenarios. In this case, we could imagine the worst case scenario being “I get thrown in jail.”  The best case scenario might be “this administration leaves town tomorrow, and I get a merit award for my service.”  These two extremes then help us identify the more likely middle path, which could be something like, “I may need to leave this job, but I have lots of skills and will find another role.”
• Remember: We do still have a 3rd branch of government. One of our retreat participants was a judge, whose wisdom I was so happy to have infused into our conversation.  She reminded us that there are in fact checks on the power of the President.  Case in point?  The attempt to cut funding for Federal grant programs last week.  A judge halted that order immediately.  (Yes, I know that the Supreme Court has been stacked, but there are also lots of judges on our benches who still believe in the rule of law.)
• Make a joyful plan for the future. Think of something you like to do that is pleasant and that brings you joy.  This should be something you can control.  Put it on your calendar for sometime in the future, and remind yourself of it often.
• Repeat the mantra: “I will deal with that when it happens. Not before.”
• Recall another crisis you’ve managed. Think back to a time when things were incredibly stressful and you weren’t sure how you would navigate the challenge.  (Covid lockdown comes to me for me, personally…)  Remind yourself of the tools you used to make it through that time.
• Pick 3 next steps. First, get away from the immediate distractions.  Then identify just 3 next things you can do.  Do them.  Then identify the 3 steps after that.  And so on.
• Know where your boundaries are. Give some thought in advance to what lines you won’t cross. Then, when a situation arises, you’ve already decided on what you will and won’t do.
• Remember that you have lots of friends who are kick-ass lawyers and will come to your aid if you are in legal trouble. Even if you’re sitting here reading this and thinking, “actually, I don’t know if I have any lawyer friends,” I promise you that you do.  The Mindful Return community is replete with amazing working parent #lawmamas and #lawpapas, and we’ve got your back.  Just reach out.
• Reduce social media use, particularly for news. Follow or get your news from a max of two trusted analysts, and don’t leave the news on all day.  Delete or remove from your phone the social media accounts that are making you the most anxious.
• Wiggle your toes, hug your little ones, and look at the stars. When the chaos is completely out of your control, remind yourself of the fact that you are here, and you are okay.  Really live in this present moment, and not an inch or a mile ahead of that.

More Things to Read and Listen To, To Get You Through

When I’m freaking out, I find it’s helpful to widen my lens and perspective.  In particular, I’ve found it helpful to read and listen to the voices of people with wise and different experiences, and to learn stories from history that can help inform the present.  Here are a few I’ve appreciated recently:

• A Podcast Episode: We Can Do Hard Things, Episode 379.  Post-Inauguration Family Meeting: How We Will Get Through with Brittany Cooper & Rebecca Traister.
• An Op Ed in the New York Times: “Don’t Believe Him,” by Ezra Klein.
• A beautiful poem by Jillian Stacia, about how our children can ground us right now: To Hell in a Handbasket.

What has been helping you to calm down this week?  Please leave your wisdom and helpful links below in comments.

In closing, I’ll leave you with a steadying quote by Jen Colmore: “I don’t need to know all the answers.  I don’t need to be able to figure out any of this.  I don’t need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  I just need to know the process of presence and being able to receive support.”

The Mindful Return community is here for you.

Want more practical tips on working parenthood?  Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave