In many moments of parenthood, I’ve felt terribly alone.  Isolated.  And like I must be the only person having the struggles or thoughts I’m having.  The Surgeon General’s parental stress advisory, which I wrote about last week, served as a good reminder that so many parents in the US feel this way.  It turns out we are not alone in feeling alone.  Ugh.

I do feel less alone in working parenthood than I did when my kids were first born, though.  Mostly because I’ve spent concerted time and effort connecting to others and building communities.  In addition to real life 1:1 connections with other humans, I’ve also found great solace in reading or watching accounts of other people going through whatever I’m experiencing.  Each time I hear myself mutter, “oh my gosh, me too,” it feels like someone tossed me a life raft.

This summer, when our family was in Europe, I started noticing things that I had assumed were unique to me and my family.  Or unique to people living in the United States.  Or even unique to my neighbors in Washington, DC.  After being surprised by the first few of these observations, I started collecting them.  Seeking them out.  Making a list.

And guess what: the act of list-making itself brought me joy.  Every time I added something to my roster of similarities, I felt a small and unnecessary border crumble between myself and the rest of the world.

Here is my list of what I observed while being in Europe, that made me say “OH, that’s a human thing!!”:

• Spending time with a dear French friend, we discovered we both kept our fingernails short as adults. Why?  Because we played piano as kids and weren’t allowed to have long nails.
• In a German train station, I spotted a little girl with blond ringlets and face paint, holding the hand of her little brother, who was carrying a red balloon. Ah!  Balloons and face paint delight children all over the world.
• France now has thousands of Little Free Libraries (they call them “Boites à livres” or “book boxes”.) It’s an international phenomenon, not just a DC neighborhood thing.
• As we spent time with friends who had kids – no matter the location – the kids always seemed to have meltdowns in the evenings. Ah, that’s not a parenthood misstep…it’s a human condition.
• Riding in a train through the German countryside, we saw the same three-blade windmills we’ve spotted both in Western Pennsylvania and in California. People are developing alternative energy sources in so many places.
• European friends we spoke with had moved their families from one neighborhood to another for better public schools. That’s not just a US thing either.
• In Lyon, France, there’s a conflict between a younger population pushing for bike lanes throughout the city, and an older demographic vehemently opposing them. So too, right here on Connecticut Avenue, near my house in Washington, DC.
• Every nail salon we spotted in Geneva was owned and staffed by individuals from Vietnam. Same as my own neighborhood.  I’m now fascinated by what might be the history of the Vietnamese connection to nails.
• Students who want to become physicians in France but don’t get into the limited spots in French medical schools go to Romania for their education. Then they come back to France to practice.  American students in the same position go to the Caribbean.  There’s also a physician shortage in both countries.
• In the Hamburg Airport, I spotted a little girl with a red cast on her arm, gaping holes in her mouth from recently losing a bunch of teeth, and an infectious laugh. Kid injuries, lost teeth, and glee are everywhere.
• All eyes, no matter from what country, were wide open in wonder at the Olympic events we attended. A friend recently introduced me to the term “collective effervescence,” and it’s a real thing.  The joy we get from being together in a shared experience is powerful, no matter where we are from.

Have you had one of these “oh, it’s not just me?” experiences?  When you look around at your world, what catches your breath in the back of your throat with surprise at the universality of it?  Please share in comments below!

Brené Brown likes to say that “people are hard to hate close up; move in.”  If you’re feeling alone in working parenthood, play a game of “spot the similarities.”  Maybe your boss who doesn’t have kids eats the same type of yogurt as you for breakfast.  Maybe the grocery store cashier you barely notice wears a necklace with a pendant for each of her kids, too.  Or maybe it’s time to put a concert or sports event you’ve been really wanting to see on your calendar, to feel that sense of connection with others.

I suspect that once you start finding these points of similarity and connection, your brain won’t stop seeking them.

Want more practical tips on working parenthood?  Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave