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As a working parent, you’ve probably learned a million lessons about how to cope with crisis situations when they arise…but did you also know it’s possible to “cope ahead” for some of these challenges? This fall, I’ve been participating in a multi-family dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills group once a week with one of my kiddos. And I’m learning new skills that are useful no matter your age. We have lessons about things like emotional self-regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and mindfulness. Topics we all really should get taught when we are tweens and teens!
For many years, and in many contexts, I’ve heard about the idea of “visualizing” success and calm. You know, the classic story that “Michael Phelps imagines himself swimming his race before he swims it” sort of thing. Or the meditation-type practice of visualizing yourself in a place like the beach or a forest, to help calm your nervous system, regardless of where your body is actually located.
What I hadn’t heard before, though, was the usefulness of combining visualization with things that may go awry, so that we can problem solve in advance. The DBT skill called “Cope Ahead” teaches this intertwining of visualization and problem solving using the following five steps (note that these steps are paraphrased from DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition by Marsha M. Linehan):
Step #1:
Describe the situation that’s likely to be difficult. Be sure to be specific. State the emotions you’ll likely have – and the actions you’ll likely take – that will interfere with how you’d like to show up in this difficult situation.
- Parent Example: I’m writing this blog post while I’m away on a work trip. (I’m on an airplane, to be precise.) I can predict that when I get home tomorrow, one of my kids is going to confront me with a request I’ve said no to a few times but that he just won’t let go of. When he says, “Mom, I’m going to make my request again,” I’m likely to get frustrated and angry that he continues to make this request. And as a result, I may speak in a tone that’s harsher than I’d like. I’m likely to roll my eyes and say to myself “not this again,” which will keep me from hearing what he has to say. I might even walk away or dismiss him for raising this subject yet again.
Step #2:
Decide what coping or problem-solving skills you want to use in the situation. Be specific about how you’ll cope with the situation, your own emotions, and your own urges to take certain actions.
- Parent Example: Continuing the scenario about my son and his (annoying-to-me) repeated request, I can decide here and now, while I’m away, that when I return home and he makes his ask, the first thing I will do is to take a deep breath. I’ll offer myself some compassion, by saying to myself, “good job at predicting where you’ll likely get triggered!” Then I’ll slow down, and I will ask my son to sit, so we can talk calmly about his request. If he won’t sit or be calm, I’ll practice the skill of “planned ignoring” and do my own thing until he is regulated and ready to talk. And if he’s ready to talk, I’ll practice active listening and non-judgment of his request.
Step #3:
Now don’t just think about the problematic scenario, imagine it actually happening, as vividly as possible. Pretend you’re actually in the situation, not just watching it happen. (Yes, your body will actually feel as though you’re there!)
- Parent Example: Here’s what I’m imagining. I’m picking up my son from his friend’s house after my return from this work trip. We are walking on the sidewalk next to a busy road. I’m rolling my carry-on bag, and he’s wearing his school backpack. He launches into his request.
Step #4:
Practice the coping and problem solving skills you named in Step #2. Practice the words you’d like to use and the thoughts you’d like to have. Rehearse what might happen if problems come up. Practice being okay even in a worst-case scenario.
- Parent Example: As I type this, I’m practicing saying to my son, “thank you for raising this topic and for caring so deeply about it. I’m happy to talk about it when we get home and can sit comfortably on the couch. I’m also going to set a timer for us for this topic for 10 minutes, because it’s late, and we both need some sleep.” If he storms off or raises his voice, I will disengage from talking to him and calmly proceed home. If we end up having the conversation, and he is still angry with my response, I’ll remind myself that setting good limits is an important part of being a healthy parent. I’ll remind myself that my son can use the distress tolerance skills he is learning, to cope with his disappointment. And I’ll unpack my bags and do something else.
Step #5:
Practice relaxing after you do this visualization. Our nervous system can get worked up just by practicing, because imagining can seem so real! Rehearse a few things you know calm you down.
- Parent Example: I’m imagining myself taking a few centering breaths (count of 4 in, count of 6 out) and then texting my husband to say “yes he asked again, and yes, I’ve got this.” Then I’ll put on some comfy PJs, and cuddle up with the novel I’m reading, for a few minutes of pre-bed relaxation.
Though I’ve presented a parent-focused example here, it turns out that “cope ahead” is a great skill for our kids to learn, too. We can walk them through the steps, and then ask after the difficult situation how it went. Even if we – or they – only remember to do half of what we – or they – planned using this exercise, that’s still progress.
What’s a situation where using “cope ahead” might be helpful for you? If you want to write out your responses to the 5 steps in comments below or in an e-mail to me, I’d love to read them!
Want more practical tips on working parenthood? Check out my book, Back to Work After Baby: How to Plan and Navigate a Mindful Return from Maternity Leave
